THIS IS THE PRE-MARITAL ADVICE YOU DON’T GET

Photo by Sandy Millar on Unsplash

The process of searching for a good spouse is such a daunting one. The uncertainty is monumental especially when you are not in any way familiar with the person at sight. You have the responsibility to ensure that they are religious, well behaved, husband or wife material in addition to them having the capacity to support your future dream, if you have any.

Because you are dealing with human, there is usually no one size fit all approach to getting all the information that you need to take that critical contractual decision of marriage and if you get the information you need, there is also the side of whether they are all genuine and true. Especially at this age of cosmetics and make-up.

There are so many pieces of advice out there on what type of question to ask and what kind of finding should you do to ensure that the person in question will make the right spouse for you. And it appears that the more advice you get, the more confused you become.

In addition to questions about religiosity, character, and ambition, one very important thing you need to find out about your potential spouse is the family make-up and history.

I have personally learnt from experience that when a person has a stable extended family with a rich history, they are less likely to misbehave as a wife or husband.

Therefore, if you are yet to marry and you will take my advice, please do not ignore a person’s position in his family and the kind of family he comes from in the first place.

I have seen a lady who accepts a proposal from a guy she knows nothing about her family. At times of crisis, she has no one to talk to from the family of her husband, the marriage eventually leads to a bitter divorce.

Hence, my advice for you.

I must also warn you dear sister, that you should not allow any man to lure you into accepting his proposal when you know he has no good relationship with his family. He may want to cover up that his relatives are not Muslims, or they are not the kind of Muslim he is.

Trust me, this is a fallacy. Even if what he said is true, know that Islam commands us to be good to our family, to ensure that we work hard to maintain family ties even if they are non-Muslim. If you are still in doubt, please ask your local Imam.

The only thing we will not do with them is their religion if they are non-Muslim. So, do not bite the pie of such fallacy. He must be responsible enough to keep his family together and relate with them well. There are so many examples in the time of the prophet to buttress this but since I am not a scholar, I leave that area for scholars.

Now, what will you ask for? Apart from knowing his mother and father if they are still alive, you must know his family house. And I am not saying just his mother’s flat in one corner of the street, I mean his family house where you can see his uncles and aunts and know them. Make sure that his Uncles and aunts are people you can call, people you can talk to, not imaginary people that he will tell you they are living in ‘Kafanchan.’

Make effort to know how the whole family unit relates with each other. Do they still have a family head they all revere and obey or the entire extended family structure is completely broken.

Secondly, seek to know his position in the family. Is he the first child or the last? Whichever it is, there are some responsibilities that it comes with. Is he discharging those? For instance, if he is the first, he will definitely have to discharge some financial responsibility for his parents or siblings even if they are still working. If he is the last, he must be in the position to respect his parent and siblings by constantly calling and visiting them.

In the event that his family structure is broken, you need to seek to know why and what was his efforts in trying to mend it.

These might be a too difficult task to accomplish but trust me my dearest, getting a good spouse in this Facebook century is never a child’s play.

Remember, it is about your future and that of a generation that you will bring forth to this World. If you are too young to find out about this yourself, please delegate it to someone that is more mature. Don’t say I did not warn you.

Be Good!!!

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Abdulrafiu Arikewuyo

Abdulrafiu Arikewuyo is a teacher and a writer. On a mission to change the school model.